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February 2009

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Feb. 6th, 2009

Well,

I've fucked up my number one person ever. Because of my eating disorder.

I've been trying so hard to stay good, and even though I'm unhappy about my weight, even though I think of one hundred ways to make this day a fasting day, even though I just want to cut the damn fat off, I'm going to keep doing this.

So that my number one has something to work towards.

Nov. 11th, 2008

(no subject)

BMR: 1373.6

Stats:
 
HW: 120
CW: 115
LW: 103
BMR: 1373.6

Weight I want to lose: 20
Days I want to lose it in: 50

1 pound = 3500 calories
50 x 3500 = 175000
20 x 3500 = 70000

Calories I naturally burn in 50 days: 68680
Calories IN 50 days: 175000
Difference: 106320
Divided by days (50): 2 126.4

Shit.... I CAN GET THIS RIGHT!!! I CAN GET THIS DOWN!!!!!!

Jesus Christ. WHY can't I get this right?

Nov. 4th, 2008

Weight loss plan

BMR (doing nothing): 1481.33
Pound = 3,500 calories

Pounds I want to lose: 20 lbs (70,000)
Days to lose: 35
Calories I naturally burn in 35 days: 51,846.55
Difference: 18,153.45
Divide difference by 35: 518.67 


So: burn what I eat PLUS 518.67 calories..... oh fuck me.
I'm editing that later.

Nov. 2nd, 2008

(no subject)

Tomorrow = New Day
Tomorrow = Fresh Start
Tomorrow = One More Chance to get Perfect.


I am going to work my ASS off to lose all the weight I need to by Spring.
So my stats:
Height: 5'1.5"
CW: 117
HW: 120
LW: 103
GW: 100
GW2: 99

I can do this
I can do this
I can do this
I can do this

Oct. 24th, 2008

(no subject)

Just had a fucking bingefest. I'm sooooo tired........................................................................................

If I could run away, to a happier place, I would right now.

My friend drama has escalated to un-neccesarily stressful highs.

UGH. I just wanna fucking die right now!!!!!!

But I won't! I have to make a name for myself before I die, otherwise my whole life is pointless.............. :(

(no subject)

  Well, after FAIL AFTER FAIL AFTER FAIL x 10, I'm kicking off of Day 1 of ABC with a fast. So far, so good. I would love to consume less calories, but I'm currently at zero (0) so I don't think that's possible. Heh. >.>  <.<

  I just keep on repeating mantras to myself: get perfect for Kevin (who's my crush), maybe he'll ask you out when he sees how skinny you are (fucked up and wrong, I know)! You need to weigh less than Kevin! You need to get perfect! You know that hollow feeling in your stomach right now? Yeah, Ami. That's self control, bitch.

  I was thinking (how odd), and I remembered how I'm going to die. Well, I already know that I'm going to die young, and that I will be the one who caused it. But what I realized, is that my eating disorder will probably play a big role in my death. I'm probably going to fucking starave my self to death. And the WORST part is that I think of that as my flaming glory. That it's heroic. UGH! I hate when I think like that!

  I'm fasting today, so as long as I'm typing, I should be good in staying away from the kitchen.

  Hmm...... what else is there....... oh yeah. I've come THIS FREAKING CLOSE *holds up two pinched fingers together* to having a boyfriend at least 3 times in the last 6 months. *sigh* I hate that I have standards for boys. 
 
  What are the standards?
- Has to like me for me
- CANNOT be playboy

*snort* such hard standards. Surprisingly, one boy met them.... but we're just BFF's. He's like my kid brother now, LOL. And we're the same age.

  OOOOOOOoooooooo! Well, I've realized something. Well, with my friends, I have a system.
Most of them are like little siblings. One of my BFF's is kind of like my twin sometimes.
I only have ONE friend (out of a ton) who I respect enough to feel like he's my older brother. He's my best friend ever.

And now I have an issue: almost all of my friends are fucking religious! Which means:
- I cannot cuss (around them)
- I cannot tell them my religion, for fear of rejection (I'm Agnostic)
- I cannot say OHMYGOD anymore
- one of them is trying to convert me and doesn't know when to give the fuck up!!!! But I find it funny. :P

And yep. That's about it......

Sep. 30th, 2008

Maybe.... Just maybe....

I am crazy. My last entry's have left me questioning this.

Well.... I can't remember my dream EXACTLY, but what I do remember is that one of my BEST guy friends asked me to be his girlfriend, and I accepted.

This has left me really confused, because I'm not sure if I like him that way.

I'm starting ABC over..... AGAIN. But this time I will last all throughout 50 days (ok.... I'll shoot for 10 days, and then we'll see).

LMAO. I'm getting into crazy mode. There will most likely be more posts today.

(no subject)

Holy crap. My last entry is crazy. It makes me sound crazier than I am. LOL.

So.... other than a weird dream (that I'll post later), and commenting on that post, not much else to update on.

Sep. 28th, 2008

(no subject)


Mkay. You know what?
I am fucking sick of this!!!!!!!
I try to get better, but when I eat one fucking grape I feel like I need to go throw it up. Which makes me eat more.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I'm writing a song, and here are some lyrics I have so far,

"I wanna die,
I wanna die,
I wanna die,
I wanna di-ie........

Just kill me now,
Just kill me now,
Just kill me no-ow....."

Upbeat. Cheery. I like it!

Sep. 20th, 2008

(no subject)

Long time no write....


I've been really busy with school, and I just started volleyball so it's kinda hard to get on here.

My mom has quit her job. She will be home all the time now. Constantly on my back. Yay.

I'm doing ABC for the UMPTEENTH time. Day 1 = tomorrow.

I just saw some thinspo on youtube, so I'm a little bit less depressed right now. Lol.

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