I just keep on repeating mantras to myself: get perfect for Kevin (who's my crush), maybe he'll ask you out when he sees how skinny you are (fucked up and wrong, I know)! You need to weigh less than Kevin! You need to get perfect! You know that hollow feeling in your stomach right now? Yeah, Ami. That's self control, bitch.
I was thinking (how odd), and I remembered how I'm going to die. Well, I already know that I'm going to die young, and that I will be the one who caused it. But what I realized, is that my eating disorder will probably play a big role in my death. I'm probably going to fucking starave my self to death. And the WORST part is that I think of that as my flaming glory. That it's heroic. UGH! I hate when I think like that!
I'm fasting today, so as long as I'm typing, I should be good in staying away from the kitchen.
Hmm...... what else is there....... oh yeah. I've come THIS FREAKING CLOSE *holds up two pinched fingers together* to having a boyfriend at least 3 times in the last 6 months. *sigh* I hate that I have standards for boys.
What are the standards?
- Has to like me for me
- CANNOT be playboy
*snort* such hard standards. Surprisingly, one boy met them.... but we're just BFF's. He's like my kid brother now, LOL. And we're the same age.
OOOOOOOoooooooo! Well, I've realized something. Well, with my friends, I have a system.
Most of them are like little siblings. One of my BFF's is kind of like my twin sometimes.
I only have ONE friend (out of a ton) who I respect enough to feel like he's my older brother. He's my best friend ever.
And now I have an issue: almost all of my friends are fucking religious! Which means:
- I cannot cuss (around them)
- I cannot tell them my religion, for fear of rejection (I'm Agnostic)
- I cannot say OHMYGOD anymore
- one of them is trying to convert me and doesn't know when to give the fuck up!!!! But I find it funny. :P
And yep. That's about it......
Well, after FAIL AFTER FAIL AFTER FAIL x 10, I'm kicking off of Day 1 of ABC with a fast. So far, so good. I would love to consume less calories, but I'm currently at zero (0) so I don't think that's possible. Heh. >.> <.<